Sunday, December 15, 2013

Changes: Out of My Control

I'm in the midst of learning an extremely difficult lesson. As you "grow up" and become an "adult" you can clearly see the changes in yourself. Some you welcome with a fist held high in the air, others you try to pretend you don't notice, like how similar you are to your mother; and still there are other changes about yourself that make you question if you always were this person or if you've become the way you are because of where you are. The changes in yourself that take place in college are diverse, complicated, and difficult to explain.

But these personal changes are like a foggy morning drive. You can't quite see what's ahead of you but you know that you have some control of your destination because you're the one driving the car.

Lately, I've been noticing the changes taking place in those who I have always called friends. These changes are even more difficult to understand because not only are the changes not taking place in you most of the time your friend(s) can not explain and justify these changes in themselves.

Please don't view this as a chance for me to slander my friends or blow off steam but rather as a moment to speak about a very true and painful part of growing up.

Friends change just as much as you change. But where you have grace and understanding for your own changes, you will lack both when it comes to your friends. Like it or not, you will have expectations for your friends that they will never live up to. You will be disappointed, frustrated, upset, and sometimes you will questions why you ever called them your friends.

After all the negative feelings towards your friends have settled, another storm will come in. One that you were not prepared for. You will start to blame yourself. Maybe for not keeping in contact better or for not encouraging them or not being there when they needed you the most. Life tends to take us all in different directions that, most of the time, are out of our control and yet you never grow weary of trying to point the finger of blame at someone. This ferriswheel of blame is not a ride you want to get on.

But then there comes another moment where you experience a time with a friend that feels "just like old times" and you forget all about the rollercoaster of emotions and doubt over the solidity of your friendship. And then you go back to your world, and they go back to theirs; it's as if this moment never happened.


Friends will come and they will go. Some will appreciate you for exactly who you are and others will not like who you've become. Some friends will become people you don't know and don't care to know and it's okay to walk away. People change and things are never the same as they are today.

1. It's better to be lonely then to keep bad company.
2. Don't settle for mediocre friends that don't appreciate or care for you.
3. Never change yourself to please someone else.
4. It's alright to grieve the loss of your "best friends" and wish things could be different.
5. Never lose your hope in people. We all get hurt in relationships but don't let the hurt of the past dictate your present and/or future happiness.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Little Things

The "little things" in life that I love so dearly....

The look of a child, innocent and pure, running freely without a care in the world. Children have a way of reaching into the depths of my soul, reminding me the best way to view life is through their eyes. Their honest, pure, and caring interactions with others makes me smile, knowing this world is better because of them. Kids are messy, loud, and sometimes feel like too much to handle, yet it is their energy and enthusiasm for life I will always admire. 

A cloudy day. This may seem an odd thing to love...but the other day as I was driving home from work I looked up into the sky and saw scattered clouds and was in awe. The setting sun was peaking through in various places and yet there were some dangerously dark storm clouds as well. The mixture of the light and dark was almost poetic; it was as if the human experience was truly written in the sky. Life isn't always sunny days, it also has it's storms. It's the combination of both that keeps us from forgetting we are blessed by the bad and the good we encounter everyday. I love this kind of weather because it makes me want to sit back and take some time to contemplate.

The moment that something finally clicks! I won't share the exact moment in the past few weeks that this idea came into my head, but I think all of you can agree with me when I say it is wonderful to reach the moment when after hours, days, or even years something you didn't understand finally becomes clear. It simply amazes me how this works. Sometimes it is easier when these moments of clarity come to become irritated that you couldn't have learned it earlier but when the initial reaction fades, one must appreciate the personal growth that has taken place seemingly instantaneous.

The local coffee shop. It seems that no matter what place I call "home" I quickly fall in love with the nearest coffee establishment. And it wasn't until last Saturday that I realized something profound, coincidentally while sitting in a coffee shop. The fact that I love coffee shops has nothing to with the place itself, or the coffee, or the "atmosphere." (Although I really do like all of those things!) The real reason coffee shops have such a deep place in my heart and soul, is that they provide an opportunity for reflection. It is in coffee shops that I think my best thoughts, come to more conclusions (or rather create more questions), and just take a moment to pause. I find it difficult to do this for myself in my day-to-day life and coffee shops help me to do just that and enjoy the wonderful taste of some overpriced drink that I probably shouldn't be drinking anyway, but hey you can't have it all right?

A good book. A book that doesn't tell you what to think, rather one which makes you think. Stories are a means of communication that have been a part of humanity for so long that I can't help but feel connected, grounded, and part of something larger than just myself and the book in my hand. Reading is a way to travel the world without stepping foot out your door, an unique opportunity to have a conversation with people you will most likely never meet, and has a lasting impact on your life which you never thought possible. 

The moment you realize that someone really understands you.  Not that someone can ever fully comprehend every part of who you are, I'm not even sure that we can know that about ourselves, instead it is that small moment when you look into somebody else's eyes and see they know what you are feeling, thinking, or going through. It is an incredible and unique characteristic of humanity that one can empathize with another. 

Sleepless nights. Okay, I don't love these but I do want to talk about them. Nights in which I find myself tossing and turning, trying to do ANYTHING to fall asleep, are some of the best nights of my life. It's these nights that I have the most intensely deep conversations with God, finally come to reality of my emotional denial and am forced to confront myself. These nights remind me, the seemingly "inconvenient" moments in life can be used for meaningful revelations. 

The connection that is shared between family. Growing up, it was always easy to point out the flaws and dysfunctions within my family, yet today I celebrate them. It was through my difficult upbringing and unconventional lifestyle that my family and I learned to survive together. There were days that we couldn't stand the sight of each other but with great love comes even greater battles. We each had our points of weakness, bouts with pride, and moments of selfishness. Yet, we loved despite these. It wasn't perfect and never will be but I chose to see the beauty in the chaos that is my family. 

Music that speaks to directly to your heart and soul. When a song plays on the radio that captures the emotions that I am feeling, I stand back in awe. Just tonight, as I was driving home a song came on the radio that brought me tears. It was the way the lyrics aligned with my heart that had me reeling, trying to find a way to express the feeling of clarity and understanding the song brought to me I couldn't help but let the tears fall. 

These are only a few of the little things that I love....

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Beautifully Complex

"Each heart knows it's own bitterness, and no one else can share in it's joy." -Proverbs 14:10

This proverb shocked me when I read it. Mostly, because it is so unlike any other proverb that was recorded. I've been reading the Book of Proverbs for about a week and have been reflecting on different topics that are covered within it. I began with anything to do with speaking, the tongue, or our words but it wasn't until I focused on the heart that a thought got trapped within my mind and wouldn't let me go. 

Have you ever experienced the feeling that no one really understands you? At times in life, we realize our complexity and become overwhelmed with the human experience. We look in the mirror and find that the person looking back at us isn't a translucent, easy to understand, creation.

Not only are we complex, but each of us have our own individual ups and downs. Life gives us various experiences, whether they be difficult or joyous, painful or painless, that teach us about ourselves and the world. These experiences our completely our own. That's what this proverb has got me so caught up on!

We think that our friends, family, and loved ones share in our every triumphant and every heartache but the the truth is that no one but ourselves share in these moments. No one, no matter how much they love us or say they will be there for us, can honestly comprehend what we feel in the deepest parts of our hearts. 

At first, this idea made me very upset. What's the meaning of friendship? Why are we longing for relationship if no one can truly share this essential part of ourselves? 

I'm still not sure what the answers to these questions are and I'm not sure I ever will. But after many days of thinking this proverb over, I've come to appreciate the truth that it brings.

It serves as a reminder for me to never assume that I understand a person. It makes me weary of people's motivations behind their actions, but this proverb also allows me to realize that the people I meet each and every day have their own struggles and heartaches. They have their own quirks, and each are on a journey of discovery. 

Humanity is a complex organism but it is the complexities of individuals that make us each uniquely beautiful. <3 

Saturday, June 22, 2013

A Defining Post

1. Stay in a place longer than necessary, typically because of a reluctance to leave: "she lingered in the yard, enjoying the warm sunshine."
2. Spend a long time over (something): "she lingered over her meal."

I entitled this blog "Lingering in My Mind" for a specific reason. Have you ever experienced the constant circling of an idea, person, or event in your mind? For quite some time, I had forgotten what it was like to have the time to think or process anything at all. Life has being flying so fast that I had no time to sit down and wrap my head around anything of substance.

So this new blog is my place to share what I've been thinking about. I'm not sure if it will be any good to my readers but I know that it will be beneficial for me to put it into words. This isn't going to be a blog where I necessarily update you on the events that are going on in my life but rather it is going to be a glimpse into the inner workings of my heart and soul. WARNING: This may not always be pretty, or easy. But I make a promise to myself and to you that I will do my best to be as honest as possible. With this is mind, please read this blog through the perspective that we all are imperfect people.

I hope you can enjoy this blog :) I hope that it serves a bigger purpose than just a place for my voice to be heard. May this be something that reaches out to each of you wherever you are.